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| I cannot get over the magnitude of this group. |
Holy smokes. What a long, hard week. Combine the CONSTANT stress of being a missionary, add in a new companion to make a trio, mix it with female hormones, factor in basic animal instincts to run away from every human being, eat a chocolate bar, and hug a pony, and you have a me -- a struggling missionary. Wednesday through Saturday were really really rough, and I struggled to feel pleasant around others.
The only mail I got this week was a 5 page DearElder from mom about how to take care of my weird feet....and then I got a nice DearElder from Dad last night, but when you have a companion who literally gets more mail than when Dumbledore was trying to send Harry's Hogwarts invitation, it's a bit discouraging. I don't think I've ever been so acutely aware of how important mail is to missionaries morale.
Everyone here is just SO happy ALL the time, and they treat you as though there is something evil or wrong with you if you aren't constantly beaming about how excited you are to teach more fake investigators, or how much you looooove the food, or loooove being a missionary every moment of the day. Between the beaming (sometimes really seemingly fake) smiles and the constant singing/humming/whistling of Disney songs in the bathrooms, I am really ready to get into the field. Some folks are constantly sighing happily and expressing in a passionately righteous voice, "oh my goodness, I'm going to miss the MTC SO much." I love my fellow missionaries, but no. Just no. Not feeling it... I'm stoked to get into the field. Anyways, I've definitely had a down week, and getting the news about the Visas certainly hasn't helped to lift my spirits either. Today has been a teary day, but thank you for sending me the news about the visas. It's better to know than to keep guessing. Some (few) of us have received their visas and left the rest of us here...it is hard to be left behind which is probably what Sister G is thinking.
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| What's left of us. |
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| Slight improvement! |
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| The Nightly foot-care routine |
Week 1: major sleeping issues
Week 2: intense dizziness and nausea (caused by the sleeping pills I was taking for the insomnia), start of a nasty cold
Weeks 3-4: The nasty cold, followed by a persistent cough.
Weeks 4-5: Hyperhydrosis of my plantar fascia, an ingrown toenail (right foot), and developing warts -YES, that's right, WARTS (left foot), and sciatic nerve pain from sitting 6-8 hours every day in very hard, uncomfortable chairs.
It's been a struggle to think of why all of these things are happening, especially when I've never had many of these problems prior to coming to the MTC. I was talking with a lady at the Health Clinic this past week, and she says that they get all sorts of weird cases while missionaries are in the MTC. I honestly think that Satan is working really, really hard on missionaries (focusing right now on my feet), and a lot of times, it does work. It certainly worked for me this week. I have felt intensely discouraged, disheartened, and disgruntled towards MTC life. What's even more frustrating is to know that you aren't SUPPOSED to be feeling this way. As a missionary, you are supposed to feel God's love, you are supposed to welcome challenges with open arms, recognizing the learning opportunities, and sometimes it really feels as though you're expected to do all of it with a smile on your face. I truly believe that there are some people who have the spiritual gift that allows them to smile midst hardship, but I don't believe that I have been graced with that gift. I feel the struggles, and I don't just smile and bear it...unfortunately, and far too often, I let it affect my performance. I remember this well during school, especially my last semester of senior year. I had 21 credits, 11 piano students, a physical therapy internship, and a senior recital. To say that days were busy and work was stressful would be a massive understatement. About halfway through the semester, I had a two-week long funk. I remember going to piano lessons, shedding a few tears, and having my wise teacher (who also has an extremely Type A personality) give me great council. She knew things were hard. She knew things would not get easier for at least another few months, but she expressed that some day, I would look back on my final, brutal semester, and I would miss it. I would miss that environment, I would miss learning, and at times I would long to go back. She advised me to try to maintain that perspective, and to simply take things one day at a time.
That is precisely what I did.
I don't quite know how, but as I took things a day, a class period, an hour at a time, I got through that semester. I gave a successful senior recital, graduated with honors, and maintained sanity despite constant stress....looking back, I really do miss it. I loved Whitworth with all of my heart, and though during that semester I really "wanted out," some days, I wish I could sit in my piano teacher's room and play beautiful music, or that I could walk into my biology adviser's too-messy office to talk about the bigger questions of life. I miss it.
In a lot of ways, I think a mission is going to be a lot like that final semester. Every day is stressful, every days is incredibly hard, and some days, you really wonder if it will be worth it, and if you could ever miss 6:00 AM-11:00 PM days. But I know it is worth it, and I know that it will go by faster than I know, and that someday, I will miss it.
One of the missionary's favorite talks is Elder Holland's talk on missionary work and salvation. He says something along the lines of, “I am convinced that missionary work is not easy because salvation is not a cheap experience. Salvation never was easy. We are the Church of Jesus Christ, this is the truth, and He is our Great Eternal Head. How could we believe it would be easy for us when it was never, ever easy for Him?”
I really need to keep that in mind.
Okay, enough just random preachy thoughts, here are some details about this week:
We got a new companion, Sister G. She's in the MTC for an extra two weeks because she has a stress fracture in her right lateral sesamoid bone. ST and I have tried to help ease the transition, but she's definitely missing the her district, and she's struggling to be here extra time. I honestly would be as well, especially if I had my visa and under normal circumstances would be going straight to Brazil. I imagine it's very hard for her to hear the same curriculum over again, and it's probably hard for her to adjust to new companions as well. She is a powerful missionary! She has great insight and has really great Portuguese skills, so she's been a huge asset in our lessons this past week. We did have the opportunity to attend the temple this morning for the first time since we have been here. It has helped all of us I think, and tonight we are rumored to be having a general authority speak to us at devotional.
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| The Trio at the Temple |
Speaking of lessons, we finished teaching Domingos and Francisco on Friday and Saturday. It was bittersweet because we grew to love these "investigators" a lot. We started teaching our classmates yesterday. Basically they have you take on the role of one of your nonmember friends, which is really interesting. You choose someone that you are close to so that you can feel and respond as they would.
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| Super Rio/ Elder Mountain |
I actually don't have that much more to write. I know I'll get over this slump, and that I will love whatever area I am serving in (though it IS really frustrating to have learned Portuguese for a month and probably lose most of it before I even get to Brazil....) It's also frustrating when everyone tells me that this is "part of God's plan." Maybe it is, but sometimes, it really doesn't feel that way. I guess I need to have more faith and hope than I currently possess.
I love you all, and you're in my heart and prayers.
Love,
Sister Colvin
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