Will I ever adjust to the heat?

 Jan. 27, 2014 – The week in review

Tuesday:

            Time is such a weird thing on a mission….the actually “missionary mission” as well as the mission of life.  Some days drag on and I wonder if it will ever end.  Other days pass as mere blips on the radar.  I am in an emotional funk right now. Things are fine when I am out teaching and working, but in our house I am struck with homesickness and wanting to be anti-social.  I think it must be PMS, hopefully. Thankfully, Sister S. is a very sweet companion.  She is generally very positive and happy which has helped lift my spirits more than once this transfer.  She will be going home in 2 weeks.

Wednesday:

            Our Zone Leaders called a zone fast yesterday, and my immediate response was, “I am sick and it is over 95 degrees…I’m not fasting.”  However, I have learned from past experiences not to voice my concern or rationalizations.  Once, the zone leader said (when I voiced that I would not be fasting from water in 104 degree conditions) that my “biology knowledge” was getting in the way, and that I needed to have more faith.  Three days later we got strict guidelines from the Mission president’s wife to NOT fast in these extreme conditions, and if necessary, schedule the fast on a P-day so that we would not be out in the heat working.  There have been a lot of health problems in the mission related to this lately.  The other time I raised my concern, this same leader made it a point to lecture us on obeying our leaders, having “real” faith and the “correct way to fast – maintaining eye contact with me nearly the whole time. Ugghh!  It’s just not right to make accusations or lectures on a personal matter that should be between a person and the Lord.  I believe that the Lord has power to do all things, but I also know that as our loving Father, he wants us to do all things in wisdom.  For me, that means not fasting from water in 100 degree plus weather, especially when I am sick, and especially during a full day of proselyting. Anyway, I kept my mouth shut yesterday and said a private prayer to know for myself if I needed to or should fast.  I received a comforting feeling that it was up to me, but that I would receive help if I decided to fast.  So, I decided to fast and it went well.

            We invited A., a young 14 years old recent convert of about 9 months, to join us in our teaching.  We don’t normally asked such young members to teach with us, but I felt that she would be great.  Her mother recently started chemotherapy and is having lots of trials.  Our appointment was actually home (milagre #1), and Sister S. taught well (milagre #2), and N. accepted to be baptized (milagre #3).  Her son-in-law then arrived and we ended up teaching him more about the Book of Mormon, then he too accepted to be baptized! (milagre #4) Little A. bore a sweet and simple testimony.  She seemed to be in much higher spirits after the lesson, and asked if she could go out with us again.  I am so glad that she had a good experience!

            We also had a good lesson with F., mostly because Irma Leia surprised us by signing up to come teaching with us.  She is an older lady who can’t walk super fast, so we made really good plans to teach people that live near her.  Our “Plan A” fell through, but we ended up teaching their neighbor and he was really open to our message and told us that he would like to prepare for baptism.  WHAT???!!!

Thursday

            My companion is sick and we stayed in almost the whole day.  I only then realized how wired I have become for working.  The biggest part of me felt lazy and guilty for staying in all day, but I must admit that there was a part of me that felt like the day was a nice relief from the heat and the exertion. It is pretty easy to give into the natural man.  Overall, this has been a tough week for me as far as homesickness, leadership frustrations, and feeling overwhelmed and inadequate.  I have no idea what this next transfer will bring for Sister Brown and I.  Both of our companions are leaving the mission so we will most likely stay here to train someone to this area.  I have been here in this ward for almost 5 months so I would not imagine that I would stay much longer than one more transfer here!  But who knows?

Friday

            It was so HOT.  My companion was still feeling heat stroked/dizzy/nauseous, and it was 100+, so I decided that it was best to rest for an hour or so in the chapel in the middle of the heat of the day.  We then got a phone call from our District Leader to get busy doing all of our contacts, teach more discussions, push harder, have more faith…etc. So we did what we were told  for the rest of the day and pushed hard.  We got our numbers …but didn’t have any real success.

Saturday

Sister B. my housemate

Sister S, my companion

            The highlight of the day was teaching with a 12 year old deacon’s quorum president.  He looks like a stout 16 year old and he has a great testimony.  It was fun to teach with him.  The low point of the day was walking for hours in the hot sun.  I think that I might be heat stroked after today, either that or I am getting what my companion had.  Version:1.0 

The low point of the day was walking a long long way to C. and F.’s house ( this is a less active family where the young 25 year old father is a returned missionary.)  The husband, F., has given us a few referrals and we set an appointment with him to go with us to teach his neighbors.  We showed up around 5:30 p.m., already hot and worn out, and F., who had been napping, forgot about our appointment despite confirming it the night before.  F. was very vocal about not wanting to go out…he was too tired and it was so hot.  We asked nicely again and testified that we needed his help, but he refused saying, “it’s too hot and I’m, tired.”   

After a long day in the hot sun.

            I have to admit that I lost it a little bit with my response.  I said, “You know what F.? It is hot, and I am tired too, but I am working and sacrificing everything to be here because people – your neighbors – need what we have to share with them.  And I am going to work, hot or cold, tired or full of energy, to give people that opportunity.”  He just laughed at my sincerity.  I turned on my heels, walked down the street a block and contacted his referrals on my own. 

            Sister Sousa was shocked saying, “Sister Colvin, I don’t think that you can act like that as a missionary!”

            I responded, “and F. can’t act like that as a returned missionary.”   NOT my most shining moment.  By the end of the extremely hot day of work I was probably heat-stroked because I was feeling dizzy and weak.

Sunday

            M. told us that he passed his interview to receive the priesthood.  He is our shining hope that there are people prepared and willing to learn, grow, serve, and progress. 

            I was feeling sick and dizzy after church, I think due to the heat, so I rested a couple of hours and then went back to work.  We visited M. and her cute 11 year old neighbor E.  I have to admit that I am terrified of teaching and baptizing children because it is so easy for them to fall away without family support.  But E. is not your typical 11 year old.  She has already visited a lot of other churches and is actively searching for the truth….seriously, at 11 years old!  …Time will tell, but I am very very cautious.  I think that my realism is impeding my ablity.

My housemates before the start of a long hot day!

The best looking part of us at the end of a long day!

What keeps me going?

My desk with my one picture of home that I allow myself to look at every day.

Monday January 20, 2014

Dear Family,

     Another long hard week full of sweat, sun, lessons falling through, stagnant investigators, and physical challenges.  Frustrating.

Monday

We found a great young man to teach – only he doesn’t live in our area.  We received a referral for an interested part-member family –only we found out that they don’t live in our area either.  Maybe this transfer is about opening the door for other missionaries?  We’ve already passed along 7-8 solid potential investigator to the other elders and sisters.  We were able to visit and teach P. again.  Her opening prayer was beautiful. She thanked the Lord for sending “two angels” to help her and her family during her difficult trial.  It was the first time we’ve taught just her, and the spirit was really calm and comforting.  She starts chemo on Thursday. 

Tuesday

     Really hot and not very productive.  We were accompanied by our WML, C. to contact an inactive member that has stopped us in the supermarket and asked for help returning to church…but…his address doesn’t exist.  So we wasted 2 hours of walking and working.

     We also had a district meeting.  Elder Amorin sprung a surprise practice on us ---great for experienced missionaries, but Sister S resembles a fainting goat/heat-stroked guinea pig.  It was rough.  She is getting better during lessons when the spirit is present, but she just freezes during practices.  I know her and I can see that there IS progress, but I received a 20 minute phone call later that day detailing all of the things that other people have done with their trainees and how I am not training correctly.  I think that he means well, but lecturing and bossing aren’t the right ways to go about things.

Wednesday

     We had interviews with President.  He’s a good man with lots of responsibility.  He seemed stressed and hot when he arrived.  Sister S. and I had the first set of interviews.  When I walked in for my interview, we sat down and I folded my arms, thinking that we would begin by inviting the spirit through prayer.  Instead, he started laughing and asked, somewhat condescendingly, “What happened?”  Uh, could you specify your question?  Are you talking about my numbers?  The rest of the interview was very very odd, and I left with 100 more questions, doubts, and feelings of inadequacy….I guess that everyone has off days.  He is a good man. 

Packages from home arrived just in time!

     We got letters and packages on Wednesday!  Thank you Grandma for the PEANUT BUTTER!!!!! And thanks Mom for the care package.

Thursday

     We had a crazy rain and thunderstorm!  The roads flooded and I’ve never experienced lightening so close before.  We were blessed to be with a member and close to a member’s house when the storm hit.  We waited out the worst of it and returned to our house early, only to discover that our roof was leaking on our kitchen’s side and had a good 4-5 inches of standing water.  I love Brazil.  Also every time we use the washing machine, the “septic system” backs up and seeps feces infested water inside.  Not cool!

Friday

     We had a great lesson as the end of another long day.  We taught an in-active family, and arrived there with literally no idea what we were going to teach.  They were our plan “C” for the last hour of the day.  Luckily we were with M. and after saying the opening prayer, we all 3 worked in harmony and taught well. 

     The night ended with noticing blood in my urine. 

Saturday

     I had to go to the hospital and waste a half a day being told what I already knew.  I had a UTI.  Even more frustrating than getting stuck by a needle and wasting my time, was knowing that I was inconveniencing or WML and his wife for a stupid bladder infection.  I didn’t even get the cute doctor, AND my district leader called and chewed me out for not getting my numbers that night. 

     So yeah, I haven’t been the most patient/Christ-like person lately.  The lesson we had marked for Saturday night was the part member family that I mentioned earlier.  We didn’t end up teaching them, but we did end up having the help of L.C. and H. (and their car!)  We were finally able to teach J and E. who were married about 3 months ago.  We had a great lesson and she accepted to be baptized. 

Sunday

     We spent 6 hours walking and having lessons fall through.  Luckily, M was with us.  Seriously, he is a life-saver.  It is so nice to be able to have a member there to make the routine seem a little less routine. He hit his 5th month mark on the 18th and is preparing to go to the temple.  I think that his Mom, Marcia, will also be able to go with him. 

     The highlight of the day was teaching M’s family.  We read 1 Nephi 3-4 with his Mom (a recent convert) and his sister (a non member) .  At first I thought that maybe his sister wouldn’t be interested in reading with us, but she followed along and everyone got into the story of Nephi, Laman, and Lemuel.  We ended up having a great discussion on how this story can apply to our lives.  The Book of Mormon is true and has real power to bless our lives. 

     Well that brings me up to date.  I am really thankful for my sweet companion.  She has a myriad of spiritual gifts – like the gift of being generally happy, smiling and laughing, or the gift of connecting easily with children.  These are gifts that I lack, and I am grateful for the chance to serve and learn with her.  She has patience with all of my many flaws. 

     I love and miss you all.  P-days are hard, especially as I think of and remember all of you.  I am lonely. I miss clean floors and being able to flush toilet paper.  I miss my country and my home.  What is keeping me here and keeping me going is a burning testimony and sure knowledge that this is God’s work. When people choose to live the gospel of Jesus Christ, their lives change.  Being part of that process is priceless. 

Con Amor, Sister Colvin

Storm Hider

January 16, 2014

Some of you might have heard about the big lightening storm in Rio this past week that damaged the thumb of the Christ the Redeemer statue.  It was really powerful and awesome, and I hid the whole time in a member's house.  I have ruled out Storm Chasing as a future profession.

Sister Colvin

Good Enough

Note to self: Look for the beauty of the horse, ignore the chicken entrails you might be standing in.

January 13, 2014

Week 4 with Sister S.

Dearest Family,

Another hard week is over.  After a stream of soul-searching and study I have come to the conclusion that I will “seek the good” and strive for the daily positives, however small they may be. For example, I figured out that the reason that I was getting blisters was that by resoled shoes where heavier and fit differently on my feet than they did originally.  I finally resorted to using my one new pair left in my stash and that did the trick.  Blisters healed and I have not had any new problems with my feet.  That is good news for me...I just need more of these shoes to make it the rest of my mission.  A problem that I know my mom will solve.

Monday

          This was a decent P-day, followed by a great night of teaching.  We visited A. who is a recent convert of about 9 months.  She is only 14, but had the maturity of someone much, much older.  Her mom, P. was recently diagnosed with cancer and we’ve been visiting them on a weekly basis.  A. is really special and has a unique knack for understanding and applying scriptures. She’s almost finished the Book of Mormon, and she’s sharing the gospel with her friends.  The only hard thing is that because of her maturity, she doesn’t “fit in” with the youth in the ward.  Problems of adolescence transcend cultures!  We love her and we are going to do some work with integration with the youth.

Sister S. had a shining moment of teaching and testifying tonight!  She is making progress!  Her personality is sweet, cute, willing but afraid and unconfident.  But, she is really starting to overcome her shyness and do the work!

Tuesday

          Our lunch appointment fell through and we stopped by M.’s house before returning to our house to eat.  She asked us if we had eaten, read our sheepish looks, and quickly prepared a humble meal for us.  We were SO GRATEFUL for her love and sacrifice.  We shared a message with her and her daughter, B.  We then went to our zone training. (rough) Our district and zone leaders chastised us. In summary, “If you are obedient and do ______, then you will have _______.”  To fill in the first blank you can insert random meaningless numbers that correspond to #’s of contact, new investigators, and BOM placements.  The second blank is always baptisms.  I bit my tongue and will continue to do so for now.  The Lord is the only person who knows the desires of our hearts.  Obedience to the Lord’s commands is key, and I will focus on that rather than meaningless statistics. 

          We had a great lesson with G. and our ward mission leader.  I am developing a real love for our ward mission leader and I deeply respect his desire to serve, help, and teach.  I expressed my gratitude and love to him after the lesson and he told me that he has felt an urgency to help the missionary efforts and me ever since I first arrived here.  He said that everyone can see my desire to serve and work hard, and that my testimony touches the hearts of all who hear.  It was a great tender moment that uplifted me when I needed it.  It’s incredible how much more willing you are to give more and do more when you love those whom you are working with, and when you feel as though your efforts are doing some good.

Wednesday

          Another training day…mostly unremarkable, aside from being remarkably HOT.  

Thursday

          We had a great lesson with C.F. on family history work and the importance of temples.  She did the first few pages of the new FH booklet. We then had lunch with our new relief society president.  I was surprised by the disinterest that she showed as we excitedly talked about many of the investigators and less-active sisters we’ve been visiting.  She has no interest in visiting these people with us.  My own enthusiasm wanes quickly when people show indifference for the work we’re doing. 

          Elder A. was one hour late for the baptismal interview with our investigator E., but it wasn’t all that bad because we got to sit and visit with E. in a casual non-lesson setting.  He is a very normal, happy, and kind 18 year old young man.  The interview went smoothly and he thanked us for our help. 

M. , Sister S. and Sister Colvin

We had M. help us in the evening.  He is truly amazing.  With less than 5 months in the church, he is growing, searching, preparing, and serving with incredible understanding and conviction.  He teaches well and is an enormous help to the missionaries.  We always have really good gospel discussions after the lessons, and his enthusiasm lifts our spirits.  We love him – he will do great things and change many lives.

Friday

Crappy day…long….hot…unproductive.  Though, we did have a good finish by visiting two elderly disable ladies.  They remembered us and asked us how our work was going.  As we shared stories and scriptures with them I felt the love of Christ and a desire to reach out and touch these women.  I told them of the love that Heavenly Father has for them as his daughters.  It was beautiful moment…juxtaposed with our district leader calling every 2-3 hours to ask about our numbers.  Sister S. and I were sent into a frenzy of data gathering in order to get him off of our backs.  Not fun.  Not sincere. 

E, and his mother

E. and his girlfriend and mom.

Saturday

We talked with a member of our bishopric on crappy Friday and he mentioned that they are struggling with keeping the chapel clean, and that often times it is just the bishop and his wife, or the 1st counselor and his daughter who are there to clean.  While the problem lies in the member’s sense of responsibility, I felt this as an opportunity to show our willingness to serve and help the ward and to build a relationship of trust with our leaders.  We left our house at 9 am, worked until 10:30-45-ish (I have been trained to speed clean), and then returned to our house to finish our studies.  It felt GREAT to render this service, and the bishopric thanked us.  It was a good use of our time! Unfortunately, our district leader didn’t see it that way because at the end of the day he told us that we are “slipping” and our numbers are bad.  Uggghhh!

Keep in mind that this is after we had a beautiful baptism (E.) today which I try to focus on.  We also had a great meeting with our bishop, and a productive coordination meeting with our ward mission leader.  Still, even though I know that it is not rational, it is hard to not feel like crap when your leader tells you that you are slipping and you need to repent, have more faith, and work harder.  It is really hard to focus on quality over quantity, and to do actual work instead of just running in circles.   

Sister S., Sister Colvin, ward member, new member E.

Sunday

M. (recent convert) gave his first talk in sacrament meeting today.  It was great! E. was confirmed and he gave me a look of gratitude and affection afterwards, which warmed my heart.  After lunch, we finally found R. in her house, after 4 failed attempts during the week.  It was a hard to focus on the spirit with a barking dog, a very uncomfortable moaning pregnant cat, and an overactive half dressed 6 year old. Thank heavens that Sister Sousa is starting to teach and talk more because I was not feeling it.  We also taught M and her daughter J., and had a good lesson using the scriptures.

          In summary, I’ve written about the shining 45 minutes to 1 hour of each day that is scattered through another 7-9 hours of arduous ungratifying work.  I have never felt so weak, inadequate, guilty, and unworthy in my entire life.  I am struggling to find balance between “God loves me.  I am serving him and being obedient.” And. “I am not good enough, and I need to give more and serve harder.”  When is our “all” ever good enough, and what is “good enough?” the answer to that is that nothing that we can do will ever overcome our frail human nature.  We will always be sinners. God know this.  He knew that in on our own, we would always make mistakes, consciously or unconsciously distancing ourselves spiritually from our Heavenly Father.  Yet in His infinite love and patience, He sent his son, Jesus Christ, to live and die for our weaknesses.  Through this incredible sacrifice, and by doing the small and simple things ever day, we can grow closer to our Heavenly Father.  He stands with His arms open to tell us that with the Atonement we can become better.  We can become “good enough”.

“Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work.  And out of small things proceedeth that which is great.”  D&C 64:33

I love you all. I miss you and pray for you every night. Please love and serve your missionaries.

Sister Colvin

My feet have reached their melting point

 January 3, 2014

It is a different kind of Godly sorrow when you have seen someone touched by the goodness and light of the gospel, and then they reject everything.  We have felt a lot of rejection this week.  Tonight we were rejected by Senhor J.  I am constantly feeling responsible for the decisions of the people here.  Could I have done more, worked harder, loved and served with more dedication?  I don’t know.  I think that the answer will always be yes, I could have done more.  The human state is fallen, weak, imperfect.  I hope to be able to develop traits to battle the natural man so that I can say that I have literally given it my all.  I don’t think that I even understand what my “all” is.

Today’s heat index was 50 degrees Celsius or 122 F.  Right now it is 10:15 P.M. and it is 33 C (91.4 F).  We are just sitting here sweating in our room with the fan going full blast.  I have some pretty nasty and tender blisters on the bottom, top, heels, and sides of my feet! But I have faith that all is well and every difficulty will pass.  Plus, a good night’s rest will help.

January 4, 2014

I am battling feelings of inadequacy and missing Sister Z.  I love Sister S, but I don’t love having to be on my game all the time.  Before, I had total confidence in Sister Z that she could and would understand the people’s needs and teach with knowledge and authority.  I miss that.  I am trying to give a good example to Sister S, bu I can see that our contacts and new investigators are suffering.  Hopefully we can be better.

It is really hot, still 32 C in our room, and we are fasting (but only food given the heat index.)  It’s rough.  I need to have more faith in the Lord.

January 6, 2014

Have I told you how hot it is?  I don’t have much energy to write.   This week was hard.  I don’t have much to say, but it was GREAT to see your faces and talk with you during our skype visit. 

The thing that is keeping me going despite 106 F weather (on a cool day) is my personal scripture study and prayer, especially studying the Book of Mormon.  I always find myself relating to the circumstances, and always find and answer to prayer.  It is pretty awesome!  For example, I am struck by the man stories of people going of to war, many times being in a weekended and vulnerable position.  Those who remembered the Lord were given strength and power to conquer.  But, those who are slow to hearken to the voice of the Lord were always defeated.  During our trials we need to trust and rely on the Lord and His power. 

WEIRD SIDE NOTE:

Kite-flying is a big thing here.  On the weekends you will see many grown men flying kites. 

WONDERDFUL SIDE NOTE:

Have you ever heard of he saying, "horse sweat, men perspire, and ladies glow" ? ....not so sure that this is glowing.

The wonderful Sister Brown just brought me brownie mix/dough!  REAL AMERICAN Brownie mix. #simplepleasures.  We have had some great fun playing pass the piggies and bananagrams.  Sister B. is a bananagrams expert!